Don’t Touch That Computer

I just got an e-mail from a good friend. Disguised as a friendly and personal message the e-mail smacked of spam. Spam actually annoys me but I read this one because I like the sender.

Her message, a shameless social network ploy to raise awareness about her Real Estate business, was clearly designed to spur conversation. The note gave advise on how to extend the life of your lap top computer. Only it didn’t address the real issues. Instead the advice danced around the edges, talking about extending battery life by not over-charging, running the battery all the way down before recharging; ya da da, ya da da etc.

I had to respond:

Dear Lauren, you probably don’t know this but you sent this e-mail to the computer miser. If there were some kind of trophy for squeaking out the longest computer life, I’d be polishing my trophy right now. My Dell lap top lasted 11 years. Yeah you read right. More than a decade! That fact alone would be reported in the Gneiss Book of Misers if I would only make the time to submit my entry.

While battery life is a key component to extending the life of your computer it doesn’t stab the devil in the heart. Think about it. Your e-mail might just as well have been entitled, “How To Extend Your Battery Life.” A worthy bit of information to share, but, the holy grail of extending the life of your computer lies in this one – not so simple action. Never, never, never, ever, not even once, not for any reason, not even for so called emergencies, not even if they fail a paper, test, or fail to get into the school of their choice, never, no, not-ah, sorry, get over yourself, no can do, not now, not later, I don’t care what Dali Lama says, NEVER let your kids even touch your computer. Period. No exceptions. Don’t even let their darling little imaginations think about touching it. The end.

If you follow this rule, and I mean religiously, your computer will last a decade. That is, unless you let your kids ‘tell you’ how to use your computer. Then you’re dead. There is just something in the sweat glands of children, or in their licorice breath, that destroys computers.

BTW, there are on-line sites where you can buy lap top batteries for cheap. Like $30 cheap.

PS: There are some enabling, coddling, over-protective parents who will find my instruction offensive. Ask them how long their computers last. Then refer back to the fourth paragraph in this message and remember; there are those who talk, and there are those who do. I did. Eleven years. Thank you very much. Bill Gates hates me.

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